The 69th Golden Globe Awards - Jan 15 2012

THE MEMORY QUOTES OF GERVAIS

- His Opening Monologue

"For any of you who don't know, the Golden Globes are just like the Oscars, but without all that esteem. The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton. A bit louder, a bit trashier, a bit drunker, and more easily bought. Allegedly. Nothing's been proved."

"They actually gave me a list of rules. I'm going to ignore them, but I thought it would be good to read them out. This is real, ok? No profanity. That's fine. I've got a huge vocabulary. No nudity. See, that's a shame. Because I've got a huge ... vocabulary. But a tiny penis. No, no. Doesn't matter. It works. Don't worry about it. It's fine."

"And I'm not to libel anyone. And I must not mention Mel Gibson this year. Not his private life, his politics, his recent films, and especially not Jodie Foster's Beaver."

- Johnny Depp & The Tourist joking

Gervais: This time last year, our first presenter was the biggest movie star on the planet. I insulted his film The Tourist, causing his career to plummet so far that he was forced to work with me on my new show, Life's Too Short, which premieres on HBO on Feb. 19. Please welcome the man who will wear literally anything Tim Burton tells him to, Johnny Depp."

Depp: (Walk to him)

Gervais: Have you seen The Tourist yet?

Depp: No.

- Madonna & Elton John Moment!

"Our next presenter is the Queen of Pop. Not you, Elton, sit down. She’s always vogue, she’s a material girl and she’s just like a virgin"

- Introducing Colin Firth

Gervais: Our next presenter is British like me. But unlike me, He won an Oscar. He's also swooned over by women. I don't see it, I don't get it. He is also loved by critics, Ohh good luck to him! But what you don't know about him is he's very racist, very !  I mean, really nasty stuff. Also, I’ve seen him punch a little blind kitten. Please welcome the evil Colin Firth.

Firth: Some very angry religious people outside with big placards threatening us all with brimstone and pestilence and perdition for our sins. What they don’t realise is - we have Ricky.

MOTION PICTURES 

- Picture, Drama: The Descendants.
- Picture, Musical or Comedy: The Artist.
- Actor, Drama: George Clooney, The Descendants.
- Actress, Drama: Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady.
- Director: Martin Scorsese, Hugo.
- Actor, Musical or Comedy: Jean Dujardin, The Artist.
- Actress, Musical or Comedy: Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn.
 - Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer, Beginners.
- Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer, The Help.
- Foreign Language: A Separation. (Iran)
- Animated Film: The Adventures of Tintin.
- Screenplay: Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris.
- Original Score: Ludovic Bource, The Artist.
- Original Song: “Masterpiece” (music and lyrics by Madonna, Julie Frost, Jimmy Harry, W.E.)

TELEVISION 
- Series, Drama: Homeland, Showtime.
- Actor, Drama: Kelsey Grammer, Boss.
- Actress, Drama: Claire Danes, Homeland.
- Actor, Musical or Comedy: Matt LeBlanc, Episodes.
- Actress, Musical or Comedy: Laura Dern, Enlightened. 
- Miniseries or Movie: Downton Abbey (Masterpiece),PBS.
- Actor, Miniseries or Movie: Idris Elba, Luther.
- Actress, Miniseries or Movie: Kate Winslet, Mildred Pierce.
- Supporting Actress, Miniseries or Movie: Jessica Lange, American Horror Story
- Supporting Actor, Miniseries or Movie: Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones

PREVIOUSLY ANNOUNCED
- Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award: Morgan Freeman